Thoughts about Online dating

How do you know if this is THE ONE?

Well you don’t know, but here are some thoughts to bear in mind. Online dating offers an enormous choice of people to meet, but only a small number, around 100 if you are in a big city, will have what it takes to make a meaningful relationship with you.

My friend and colleague Dr Michael Perring talked with me about the dating scene, and introduced some ideas I wanted to share. We talked of friendship, different types of love, and unconscious drivers or attractions which can send us into wonderful partnerships or disasters!

We also agreed that the first thing we notice is what we see. We can be deceived by looks, drawn to or repelled by what we see, but humans are visual animals, and first impressions are hard to overcome, so don’t present yourself looking like something you are not!

Firstly, Friendship.

A wise person once told me that if you don’t have friendship you don’t have the basis of a relationship. But what does friendship actually involve? Dr Perring has thought about this and concluded that you need respect, liking, trust and knowledge.

Respect ensures that you will treat each other well, bringing kindness and thoughtfulness to your meetings, along with consideration of the other person’s feelings and opinions. If you are not respectful and do not feel respected then move on.

Liking? If you don’t actually like someone, why spend time with them, it doesn’t make sense. On the other hand there are people who put us off at first acquaintance, and then turn out to be real gems, “Pride and Prejudice” with Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy being a case in point. Sometimes we need to take more time to decide.

Trust is the underpinning of all intimacy and closeness. Feeling safe with a person, being able to be honest about your concerns, fears and hopes, feeling relaxed can indicate that this person is true and trustworthy. A relationship needs to be trusting to allow vulnerability which is an essential for intimacy.

Finally, knowledge? yes, learning a person’s ways, how they think and react, their life stories all help build trust. These learnings take time and a number meetings to emerge. You will not know if this person can be your true trustworthy friend after a first or second meeting, although you may feel that all the ingredients are there.

Love?

Talking of love, Dr Perring spoke of 3 main categories, libidinal, romantic and companionate. A relationship may encompass all three of these, and over time one type or another may prevail, but without love a relationship cannot survive healthily.

In my work as a therapist, I have come across couples where one partner had agreed to the relationship, but without love, seeking security, financial benefits, children and so on. These relationships can end painfully, children are hurt, it doesn’t often work.

Sometimes love grows, and with arranged marriages this is often the case. The partners accept that they are committed, and with familiarity, safety, sex, the feelings alter with the months and years.

Libidinal love, sexual chemistry, excitement and attraction are fine when you have them, a lot of hormones go into creating these feelings, but if the hormone hit and excitement are not sustained, and mostly they are not, other feelings of attachment need to replace them. If the friendship has not been forged, there is no ongoing basis for the relationship and people look elsewhere for the excitement that has gone. It is not necessary to have libidinal love to create a sustained and satisfying partnership.

Romantic love, candlelight, music, shared intimacies, little touches that tell the other you care, special occasions are all part of romantic love. Romantic love softens the atmosphere between a couple. Shared dreams and softness, tenderness are all part of romantic love. Some people are not into it, it is not a prerequisite for an ongoing fulfilling relationship, but it is nice! Romance can be created at any time if the wish and the will are there, but it is not essential. It may only enter a relationship at special times, like holidays.

Companionate love is the ongoing, long lasting, warm connection shared by people who have developed interests and values in common, have routines and novelties to share, retain interest in each other, but are not living in each other’s pockets. This is not a static state of love, it changes as circumstances change, but it is more likely to last than sex or romance.

There is a lot more to love than we space for here! In any relationship there is always more to learn about each other, so maintain curiosity in companionate love however much you think you know.

Snares and Pitfalls

The longing to find the right person can cloud our judgement. Unknown to us, our brains carry pictures of the carers from our early life, the positive aspects of them as well as the negative. Many elements of a person’s make up are not evident in early meetings. Sometimes what can feel very comfortable and “right” is related to the brain being reminded of a carer or parent who treated us badly, or had some very difficult traits. The brain logs the familiarity, but not the reason for it. We need to notice if this person is like a parent or teacher and check that they are like them in ways we loved, not ways we feared. Just because it feels right, does not mean it is right.

When you first read the person’s profile and look at their pictures, think carefully about what you see. Is it a coherent account that hangs together? How do you feel inside as you consider it? If the dating web site does not contain screening questionnaires, be prepared to meet a lot of frogs before you find your prince or princess. Be careful to present yourself as you really are, without lies, and expect the other person to do the same. If the profile does not match with the person you meet, be cautious.

We humans develop styles of relating which fall into mainly 2 types, those who want a lot of closeness and those who don’t. There are some folk who flip between the two, and others who do not relate much at all, but the two main types are more common. Both styles are fine, just different, and we tend to choose someone who operates the exact opposite style to our own. If you want to learn more about this, then ask Google about attachment styles and see what appeals to you. Space precludes further explanations of this important element.

In Conclusion

Be open to possibility, look your best, behave your best, and stay aware that the other person will be doing the same. There is more going on underneath the surface than is immediately observable.

John Ramage 1904-1978

A MEMOIR

John Ramage 1968

Alfred John Vincent Ramage was the only child of Stanley John Ramage, 1875-1912, a fire insurance clerk, and Constance Minna Ramage, nee Wortz, born 1874. His was a tragic story of disappointments, rejections, achievements and failures, yet he raised and educated 4 children, with reasonable success. This memoir is an account of what is known about his life. He spoke very little about his origins, some of the facts are only now coming to light. I decided to set down what we know, with a sprinkling of speculation, so that any grandchildren and great grandchildren who are interested may learn about their extraordinary ancestor.

His parents

The Ramage family had come to UK from France in 1789, just as the French Revolution was gathering strength. They settled in South East London, and there are Ramage graves in Nunhead Cemetery, presumably members of that family. They were not well to do, and took quite lowly employment. There are some distant cousins known who may have continued the line.

His mother was one of 5 siblings, 4 daughters, 1 son, whose parents were respectably established and comfortably off. Their father, Charles James Wortz, was a respected doctor in Fordham in Essex, where they lived in a substantial house, Fordham Lodge. The son Edwin, John’s uncle and another doctor, was married and lived nearby at Penlan Hall with his wife and son Ian.

Constance Minna Wortz married Stanley Ramage in June 1903. John was born 2nd January 1904, at 5A Loxton Road SE23 2ET, registered in the Lewisham District records and baptised 3 years later. They also had a daughter, Marjory Inez, born 2nd May 1905 who died age 2, and a son, Alfred William, who died in infancy.

Their father, Stanley, died in 1912, but by then John’s mother had disappeared. Rumour had it that she ran away with a lover many years before, but there is no record of this! (** see footnote) It seems likely that it was after his father’s death, at age 8, that John joined the Wortz family in Fordham, maybe there were no other relatives available or willing to take care of him. A lost tinted photograph of John dressed as Lord Fauntleroy may be presumed to have marked the occasion.

Early Years

Once John came to Fordham, he was raised by his 3 aunts along with his cousin of similar age, Ian Wortz. Ian and Jack, as he was called in the family, became close friends and remained so all their lives. Although very different in character and looks they behaved like brothers to each other and valued each other highly. John, being an orphan with a disreputable and vanished mother, would have been an outsider in his own family from the start. I do not believe John was loved or wanted by any of them, although one of the aunts, Netta, referred to him in a letter as “Little Jack” when he was 12. He was indeed small and slight for his age.

Fordham Lodge 1888 – Watercolour

Education

John was educated first at Colchester Royal Grammar School, a renowned institution, founded in 1128, awarded royal charters by Henry VIII in 1539 and Elizabeth I in 1584. His grandfather then enrolled him at Christ’s Hospital. This school was founded in 1552 by Edward VI “to provide food, clothing, lodging, and learning for fatherless children”. The school moved to Horsham, Sussex in 1902 which is where it was when John entered it in 1916. He was enormously proud of that school, spoke about it often with gratitude and affection, and remained in the old boys club until he died. His relationship with the school probably provided the consistency and stability which had been lacking in his early family life, and it gave him a sense of belonging which had been absent from his home. There was also an element of theatre about the school uniform which appealed to John.

He yearned to be a doctor, but his aunts refused to fund his training. His cousin Ian Wortz went to Cambridge to read medicine and left after one year to breed horses, which was his true calling! John was never heard to comment on the unfairness of his treatment in this, but after he left school in 1920 at age 16 there is no record of how he made his way. He had excelled in maths and science, ideal for the study of medicine, but that was denied him.

Early adulthood and WWII

On leaving school at age 16 in 1920, I suspect he may have joined the Navy, but there is no proof of that, except that he served as a naval officer in the 1939-1945 war. I know nothing of his life and career until the mid 1930’s when he met Jessie May Harris, the love of his life, whom he married in December 1935 in Ipswich. She worked in office jobs to support him as he pursued his studies to become a lawyer. They struggled financially, and were never well off, but managed.

1941

At the outbreak of war he joined the Royal Navy Volunteer Reserve. During the war he claimed that he served on the North Atlantic convoys, a very dangerous mission. He had a serious mental breakdown and when he recovered he was given a desk job in Intelligence as Temporary Lieutenant, Naval Reserve shore-bound from 10th June 1941. Records show that he had undertaken special training for this role, and he was then transferred to the Press Division in May 1943.

Family Life

During times ashore and after his breakdown the couple bore 3 wartime children, Susan, 1939, Richard, 1943 and Philip, 1945. Another child, Prudence came later.

The children 1954 – Richard holding Sally the dog

The family lived in Ampthill, Bedfordshire, then Kenton, Middlesex, and when Richard won a scholarship to Colchester Royal Grammar School in his father’s footsteps, they moved there, to live at 2 Athelstan Road. Philip joined Richard at the Grammar School as soon as he was old enough. There was never much money, but there were hopes of an inheritance when the last of the elderly aunts died, but this unfortunately never materialised.

John was intensely proud of his children, particularly Richard, who was the shining one. Susan went on to become a nurse at the Middlesex Hospital, Philip and Richard both enrolled as medical students at Guy’s, and qualified successfully, Prudence found her niche once she went to Australia, trained as a nurse, and showed herself to be just as bright and talented as her siblings. John revelled in hearing stories of their various exploits, and would boast about their achievements to anyone who would listen.

Jessie

After the children had all left home, he and Jessie moved to Higham in Suffolk, where the only social life was in the pub across a dangerous road, their house was on a corner. Jessie missed her friends and her connections in Colchester and never seemed really at home in Higham. John gave his time to the garden and to birdwatching, but both seemed to be making the best of a bad job.

His career

Although qualified as a lawyer by 1939, his war service delayed him establishing himself professionally until it was over, but then he set up a practice as a criminal defence lawyer in Stratford, East London. He became well known and respected in the area, police and criminals would greet him in the street. I formed the impression that there was an element of a game between the police who had to catch the villains and build up a case, and the lawyers whose job was to get the villains off, frequently by finding faults in the case presented by the police. John used to enjoy recounting his delight when he had unearthed an error in fact or paperwork that meant he could get his client off.

The breakdown he suffered in 1941 was the first recorded episode of the depression which dogged him for the rest of his life. He was twice admitted to hospital, and had ECT twice. This is an indicator of how serious his condition was. He had surgery for prostate cancer in 1967, and whilst recovering from that his business partner took over his practice and sabotaged his return. According to the London Gazette, the business was finally wound up in 1970, and he was left almost destitute without work or funds. This prompted another bout of depression.

He was now 66 and without a legal practice of his own but managed to survive as a locum and with temporary jobs. Then in 1968, he made an extended visit to Australia to see Susan and her husband Colin, an anaesthetist, and her first 2 children Elizabeth and Jennifer. As time hung on his hands he decided to read for the New South Wales Bar, which he achieved in 6 months, and on his return to London, took pupillage and read for the UK Bar.

He was over 70 when he qualified and was called to the London Bar, and he loved being a barrister. The drama and excitement of it suited him, and for just a few years he had the energy and drive to travel from one court to another all over the country, reading his briefs and making preparations on the train journey.

By 1975, he was feeling his age, and had stopped enjoying the work. He had lost his energy and verve, and had made just enough money to retire, so that is what he did.

His Character and Personal Qualities

One of the most striking elements of John’s personality was his fierce intelligence, something he passed on to all his children without doubt. He was intellectually curious, willing to take on the new ideas that appealed to him, a fast learner where he was interested, and rigorous in his logic and arguments. He was probably an excellent advocate.

Emotionally labile and very sensitive, his kindness was endearing, but he was not an easy man. He could be demanding of attention, and sought it from women for whom he had a special liking, and with whom he could form warm liaisons. I do not think he was a womaniser, but he saw himself as a ladies’ man. Maybe it was fed by a desire to try to replace the mother he lost at such a young age.

John was short, and over a lifetime this made him pugnacious, a useful quality in a barrister in a court of law, not so easy in a family man. Socially and with his family he had a tendency to dominate, but as a conversationalist he was entertaining and interesting. He had a temper, not that I ever saw it, and was prone to bouts of serious depression which were a strain on the marriage and very debilitating.

He fell into one of these pits after he learned that the two aunts, from whom he had great expectations, had disinherited him. This was a huge blow to him, and although he put himself back together, in some way it affected him and his trust in people for the rest of his life. He let it be known that the cleaner who inherited had probably added more to the lives of his aunts than he ever did, but was deeply hurt.

From time to time he would spend a night with us as he passed through London, exhausted but full of stories. He was a most appreciative guest, although he would fill the downstairs rooms with his things, umbrella and bowler hat dropped in the hall, gloves and coat somewhere between hall and living room, where the brief case would occupy one chair and he would occupy another. Richard would then gather them all up and dump them somewhere else.

He had plenty of energy into his 70’s, it was his mental health that was always vulnerable. After Jessie’s death in August 1977 his life became purposeless and unbearable to him, and he shot himself about 9 months after she died, having visited the local publican and his wife to say goodbye, and alerted the Ipswich police to save his children from being faced with his remains.

His faith.

John was a convert to Roman Catholicism and had joined the church just before Susan was born in 1939. It meant a lot to him, he liked the drama, the incense, the sounds, the latin text. All the children were raised in the Catholic faith, they were educated at a Catholic Primary School in Kenton during the family’s time living there. Susan married in the Catholic Church in Soho Square and was the only one who remained a catholic for the rest of her life.

When the Vatican Council voted to stop using latin in its services, John was horrified and for weeks could talk of little else. He went through a crisis of faith and eventually left the church and never went back. Jessie’s funeral was held in the Church of England Parish Church in Higham in Suffolk where they were living by then. His own funeral the following year also took place there, as did Richard’s in 2003.

His interests

He was a very well informed and respected ornithologist, and would spend many hours with his friend, Joe Firmin, wading through cold, muddy fields in horrible weather to catch a glimpse of an unusual winged visitor, or whatever wildlife phenomenon had captured their attention. Joe was a writer on a local newspaper and had a regular column to fill, so their exploits were sometimes material for what he was producing that week. They were good friends, John did not have many confidants, but Joe was one of them. They visited the Carmargue one year, a very special trip that John cherished.

During his long visit to Australia in 1968 he enjoyed birdwatching safaris with his son-in-law, Colin Orr, who knew where to take him and who to introduce him to. Colin was somewhat of an amateur ornithologist himself, but was outshone by John’s prodigious knowledge. John’s account of this visit makes fascinating reading for anyone interested in birdwatching and is appended to this memoir below.

His other passion was his children. I think they and Jessie gave a meaning and purpose to his life, in the way the Church had given spiritual meaning. He would boast outrageously about their achievements, and exaggerate their importance. I became included in this when I joined the family as Richard’s girl friend soon to be wife. On one occasion I was introduced as a theatre sister which was complete nonsense, I was terrified of the operating theatre and was a humble staff nurse at the time.

He was curious about how we all thought and what we were interested in. He was the first grownup to ask me my political opinions, which I actually did not have, no-one had ever enquired before, so I fluffed something which satisfied him and realised I had better educate myself. When he thought I was interested in Buddhism, as many of us were in the 60’s, he wanted to know more about that and read “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” to inform himself, and told anyone he could that I was a Buddhist, again, not true!

He was also a bit of a gardener, he and Jessie did not always agree about garden plans. When she travelled back from Australia by ship one year, he had spent time enhancing the garden to please her, but on her return she was not pleased and moved or threw away all his planting. By this time the marriage was no longer going well, for some reason she had turned away from him and could no longer love him as she had. He could do nothing right or pleasing to her although he remained devoted to her.

The End

After Jessie’s death from pulmonary emboli, in St George’s Hospital, Tooting, there because she had been staying in nearby Balham through August 1977 when she was taken ill, he never recovered any pleasure in life. His grief was inconsolable and he became profoundly depressed. By 1978 his life felt purposeless and unbearable to him, and he shot himself about 9 months after she died.

He left behind a family of 4 children, 10 grandchildren and now in 2020 quite a few great grandchildren. I write this in case any of them are curious about their Ramage inheritance at any time. He may have passed on intelligence, courage, sensitivity, good health for which they might want to honour him, and emotional vulnerability with which they may occasionally struggle.

**Constance Minna Ramage, nee Wortz

She was living at Lyham Road Brixton in 1951, so presumably had not returned to her family in Essex, and they did not acknowledge her existence if they knew of it. Records seem to indicate that in 1964 in Chelmsford she married Ernest J. Belcher, 1910-1969, a man 36 years her junior. His death was registered in Lewisham.

Appendix I

An Ornithologist in New South Wales

John Ramage, M.B.O.U.

From London to New Delhi

In March 1968 I flew to Sydney to visit my daughter Susan and her husband and their family. I was hoping to have a unique ornithological experience and there is no doubt that I was not disappointed.

There are approximately 700 species of birds in Australia so before l left England I wrote to a friend in Alice Springs then doing research for the British Museum. He sent me check list of the birds of New South Wales to try to limit the field. The list showed that there are over 500 species in the State of New South Wales alone.

I took off by BOAC from Heathrow Airport and the first daylight landing was at New Delhi which is both a military and civil airport. The sky was dotted with vultures and kites of various sorts soaring on the thermals. This particular airport is both civil and military under the control of Indian forces who are very strong on security and take the worst possible view of strangers with binoculars

I left the other passengers to have a better look at a dark bird sitting on a telegraph wire. It was like a small jackdaw with a very long tail sharply forked and curved towards the end, and was a black drongo. I had some difficulty convincing a turbaned sentry complete with rifle and bayonet that I was only a birdwatcher and he escorted me firmly back to the plane, which was consequently delayed for some minutes.

Overnight in Singapore

I stopped off for 24 hours in the sweltering heat of Singapore, spent the night at the Raffles Hotel where after an exotic dinner served under the palm trees by candlelight I slept soundly for 14 hours. The next day I visited the Botanical Gardens where I saw various strange birds, which included swifts with white rumps and Indian mynahs. Here the European tree sparrow seems to have taken over from the home sparrows and are so tame that they come to the tables where people are eating and pick up crumbs that fall. I left Singapore by Qantas at 5.40 pm landing at Perth at 2 am.

Arrival in Sydney

When I eventually arrived at Sydney I found it to be a most beautiful city, built entirely around an enormous blue water harbour with great creeks extending in all directions like starfish. The suburbs are surrounded by bush which invades the city at various places, and is really an extension of the endless eucalyptus forest coming down from the surrounding hilly or mountainous country.

The lovely suburbs of Sydney are teeming with bird life and even in Autumn the verges are lined with wild flowering shrubs. In the garden there are kookaburras, mudlarks, cuckoo shrikes, and butcher birds, vivid rainbow lorikeets and Eastern rosellas fly rapidly across the sky with high pitched screams. These lovely red, yellow and green parrots feed on eucalyptus flowers and share the fruit laden peach trees with the currawongs. The currawong is a big rook like bird but is not a corvine and has a white patch on its rump and at the end of its tall.

Birdlife around Sydney

On the many creeks and streams various gallinules abound, such as moorhens with red legs ,and big purple coots with red-crowned head shields. Spur winged plovers walk about in the parks undisturbed by passing cars. The most ubiquitous urban birds are the noisy miner (soldier-bird) and the Indian mynah. These birds are not in any way related. They roughly take the same place as starlings and blackbirds do in England. One of the many tree swallows, known as the welcome swallow, closely resembles our English bird, except that it lacks the black band across the chest and has rather more red on the forehead.

Sydney harbour is fairly rich in birds. The majority are silver gulls which are about the same size, and closely resemble the English black headed gull, save that they do not have the dark head. A striking feature of this gull is the completely white iris with red eyelids and scarlet beak. I saw Arctic skua, and cormorants of many different sizes and colours and also the crested tern – a large bird 19 inches in length.

Conservation is keenly practised in New South Wales and large areas of bush are dedicated to reserves which teem with birds. These include the red and lesser wattle birds, shrike tits, thorn-bills, yellow robins, yellow eyes, willy wagtails, red browed finches, honey eaters, and brilliant blue wrens, together with scores of very small birds difficult to identify. Dusky weed swallows in small groups hawk for flies from dead branches of trees. Wood swallows are in no way related to the European hirundines and in flight are like the waxwing. They are brown and white with strong bluish beaks, similar to the English chaffinch.

Towards the Blue Mountains

My son-in-law, Dr Colin Orr, a competent and cautious observer, took me to many places to see fresh birds. At Yarramundi Lagoon, approaching the foothills of the Blue Mountains I saw the black tailed water hen which closely resembles a moorhen but has a green head shield. Here I saw the brown hawk, which is the everyday predator of Australia and also a small white hawk, known as the black shouldered kite. As the trees grew denser towards the great forest covered hills overlooking Emu Plains, the bell-bird, a bright green honey-eater, with a pinkish bill, swarmed in the trees feeding young. The green plumage of this bird made it difficult to see at first, but the incessant noise of its high-pitched voice fills the air with a sound resembling the squeak that is made by binding car brakes. To such an extent is this illusion effective that even Australian motorists have been known to stop their cars to see if in fact something has gone wrong with their brakes.

One of the most exciting and dramatic sounds of the bush is the voice of the whip-bird. This dark green bird with striking white cheek patches and a jay like crest is about the size of a blackbird and shape of a European magpie. Its call can only be described as the crack of a coachman’s whip. The bird skulks in the shrub and according to the text books is rarely observable, but as a reward of endless patience we managed to get good views of this beautiful creature on several occasions

In the grounds of the Seventh Day Adventist Hospital – one of the finest hospitals in Sydney – I watched the broad-billed roller or dollar-bird hawking for insects in the dusk. This bird – the only Australian representative of the roller family – flies heavily like a woodcock. It gets its vernacular name from the large silver spot on its purple wings below the carpal joint, which gleams like a silver coin. Its habits are largely crepuscular so its lovely plumage and red bill are difficult to observe.

Staying in Terrigal

Dr Orr and I spent 4 days at a delightful bungalow – lent to us by Mr and Mrs Taylor of Pymble – at the small weekend holiday resort of Terrigal, in the bush on the pacific coast about 60 mile north of Sydney, which is an ornithological paradise. Here, standing on the Skillion rock peninsula jutting into the sea we saw the wandering albatross flying over the surface of the Pacific Ocean below us. We also saw white-breasted sea eagles as well as various herons. A few mile away at Tuggerah Lake, wild black swans were swimming with their cygnets and on the muddy banks of this vast waterway were plumed and white egrets, as well as many Asiatic golden plover and bar-tailed godwit. These were in breeding plumage and were clearly waiting to start migration across the Pacific and up the west coast of America to the Arctic tundra to breed.

Bouddi National Park

After surf bathing at Maitland Bay in Bouddi National Park I was lying on the sand to dry off in the scorching sun when a huge wedge-tailed eagle glided overhead quartering the cliff for prey. Here it is commemorated that on the 5th May, 1898, the paddle steamer “Maitland” with 60 persons on board, was wrecked in a gale. After two hideous nights 26 people managed to get ashore with a rope. Landing on the rocky beach they were faced with miles of uninhabited bushland as their only shelter, nevertheless the captain and a small child were among those saved. I was able to photograph the rusting boilers from the ship still lying nearly a hundred years later amongst the vast boulders which had fallen from the top of the cliffs surrounding this beautiful bay.

Jenolan Caves in the Blue Mountains

A few days later we visited the mysteriously beautiful Blue Mountains which lie about 120 miles to the west of Sydney. These mountains, as one approaches them from a distance are indeed a rich deep blue. It is probable that they get their colour from the reflection of the leaves of the millions of eucalyptus trees with which they are covered. We stayed in the Blue Mountains at a government hotel provided for tourists who wish to visit the Jenolan Caves. These caves are one of the wonders of the world, as it is possible to wander underground for miles through dark caverns full of stalactites and stalagmites, underwater lakes and streams.

The whole exercise is highly dangerous in spite of having an adequate lighting system; even so the visitor has to climb many perilous flights of steps, some cut in the stone and some just bare vertical steel ladders provided by the authorities to make the journey possible. The whole phenomenon is similar to the Cheddar Gorge, but on an immeasurably larger scale. My daughter was expecting an addition to her family so we could only manage to explore one of those caves known as the River Cave, and it was hard going for two hours.

Away from the Blue Mountains

After leaving the Blue Mountains and passing through flatter and more pastoral country, I saw a flock of galah cockatoos alight on a tree. These lovely birds are pearly grey with pink breasts. When the flock settles down It looks for all the world like a magnolia tree in full flower.

The bird life of Australia is absolutely fantastic. In the bush there were hundreds of very small birds constantly moving about, many of which were so small that it was quite impossible to identify them. One difficulty of Australian bird study is that the nomenclature is apparently contradictory. The big black and white but short tailed magpies, for example, are not really corvines but are a genus of shrike confined to Australasia, as also is the butcher-bird which is not in the least like our butcher bird. It is the size ands shape of a jackdaw but it is coloured grey and black and the tip of the bill is hooked. Surprisingly enough it has a most melodious voice, and is regarded by Australians as their most beautiful songster. The cuckoo-shrikes are distantly related to the old world fly-catchers.

Avian Nomenclature and Joseph Elsey

I can only assume that names like “cuckoo-shrike” and “magpie” came to be used because when the first settlers arrived there were no ornithologists so they used these names because of the apparent resemblance of the birds they encountered to those they had left behind in England. It was not until 1885/6 when Joseph Elsey, a young surgeon from Guy’s Hospital was appointed naturalist to Gregory’s North Australian Exploring Expedition, intended to lay open the interior of the continent from the Victoria River to Brisbane, that some real scientific taxonomy was attempted. His considerable discoveries were hampered by serious ill health and much of his excellent work was lost or destroyed. He eventually died from tuberculosis in the West Indies.

Another problem is the extraordinary number of species within the various groups. There are approximately 65 different kinds of honey eater, 10 swallows, 18 thorn-bills and 21 so-called robins as well as about 12 sorts of wrens, many clearly not related to each other at all. This makes the field identification much harder for the European visitor. Some male wrens reach breeding maturity before assuming the brilliant adult plumage.

I only had the opportunity of seeing a very small quantity of what was available and certainly only understood part of what I saw. Nevertheless, during my visit I did manage, by diligently studying the text books, personally to identify 70 species.

Animal Life in New South Wales

The only wild animals which I saw were two opossums with young in the trees at night in the Blue Mountains, though my wife did see a wild kangaroo. Inevitably I saw koala bears, kangaroos, wallabies, dingos and emus, but these were in special reserves.

Australia has a number of poisonous snakes and reptiles. In the Blue Mountains I came across two dead snakes, both about 6 feet long, which had apparently been crossing the road from opposite directions when each had been simultaneously run over by a car.

Australia also has to cope with at least two other very dangerous creatures. One is the red-backed adder, which is small and about the size of the English garden spider, but easily identified by a red patch at the lower end of the upper surface of its body. This creature lives in piles of rotting wood in the average garden; if one should be bitten by it, then death ensues quite soon unless medical aid is immediate and expert.

The other menace is the funnel web spider, a much larger creature, both sexes are approximately the size of a shilling when the legs are drawn in. This arachnid is so deadly that only two persons are said to have recovered from its bite. It is mostly to be found in the bush, but does also come into gardens. I saw a number of these spiders alive in glass jars which were shown to me by a laboratory worker at Eric Werrell’s Reptile Park near Gosford, where they were being used for experiments to find a suitable serum, which so far had not been developed. There is some concern at the small amount of time and money available for this research. The large but harmless tarantula finds its way into every home and is popular as it eats mosquitos. The suction footed little gecko lizards are also welcome in the home for the same reason.

Human Encounters

My visit to the Antipodes was unexpectedly enriched by three personal contacts. Whilst sitting in a cafe in the Sydney suburb of Manley, waiting to embark on one of the ferries across the harbour, I heard my name spoken. On turning round I saw a girl I know and to whom I had spoken in a bookshop in Colchester only a month or two before.

Alec Chisholm

I was privileged to meet the grand old man of Australian ornithology, Alec Chisholm, to whom my son-in-law arranged an introduction. Mr Chisholm, who in 1968 was 78 years of age, started life as a cub journalist on a tiny local paper in the bush. He remembers knowing old men who, in their prime, had taken part in the gold rush and could tell him of the bloody fights which ensued as a result of the labour disputes between the English settlers and Chinese labor.

When I called on Mr. Chisholm in his flat overlooking the blue waters Sydney harbour he was putting the final touches to a book which he has written for Collins of London, which is entitled “The Joy of the Earth” Anyone who gets a copy of this work will find a wonderful story of his early life in the bush. Mr Chisholm entertained me for two hours with the wit and vigour one would expect from the vivid memories and nimble brain of one who has spent a lifetime becoming famous both as a field naturalist and as a journalist. He still continues to correspond with me at intervals.

John Disney

I carried an introduction to John Disney, Curator of Birds at the Australian Museum, Sydney. Mr Disney entertained my wife and I to a wonderful roof top lunch and we had a most delightful visit to this splendid museum. In his personal section, a nice combination of laboratory and library, I not only handled many birds in skins and awaiting preparation, but saw some of the rarest bird books in the world, including a first edition of John Gould’s “Birds of Australia”, a copy of which was reputed to have sold in London for £25,000. I also saw a set of Matthew’s “Birds of Australia”, which is a very beautiful work in several volumes praised in the late 1920’s and probably worth several thousand pounds. Mr John Disney was most gracious and helpful to me and I shall always remember my meeting with this charming scholarly scientist, rugged explorer and practical naturalist.

Books about the Birds of Australia

By English standards, the number of first class ornithological books to be obtainable in 1968 was not considerable but has now increased. By far and away the most comprehensive book is “What Bird is That?” written by the late Neville W. Cayley in 1931 which has passed through several editions and Alec Chisholm is one of the joint editors. It is in every way a splendid book but whilst it purports to illustrate all the avifauna of Australia it suffers from the disadvantage that far too many birds are shown on one page so the illustrations are small with the result that it is somewhat inconvenient for use in the field. There are other bird books by such writers as A and S Bell for beginners, whilst Leach and Morrison is more advanced, and Chisholm writes exquisitely at large about natural history as it affects Australia in general.

In 1967 perhaps the most striking work was “Australian Birds” by Robin Hill. This is a very large work costing about £8, which claims to be comprehensive and fully illustrated. Unfortunately, it contains a number of technical errors, both of illustration and description, which would have been avoided if the enthusiastic young author and artist had longer field experience and had taken more care in the preparation of his material. It is, nevertheless, a book which must be included in the library of those who are interested in birds of Australia. His later work shows great style, accuracy, and polish which is particularity evident in his “Bush Quest” published in 1968.

The Nature of Australians

I should like to return to Australia to continue my observation of the bird population which, for me, would be an unfinished life’s work. I liked the Australian way of life; I liked the Australian people; I found them cheerful and forward looking, with tremendous faith in their country’s future. Those who go to Australia from this country, and then return dissatisfied, seem to me to fail to realise that the Australians enjoy an entirely separate culture, which is in every way suitable to them, if different from our own. Perhaps the greatest single barrier to real appreciation of it is the fact that Australians speak English. If it were not for this they would cease to be regarded by some as “Englishmen who act in a different way” and would be taken at their true value. By trying to understand them better, it would be impossible not to admire them more.

July 1971


Know your left brain from your right brain for better relationships!

The task of the brain is quite simply the survival of the individual. Structurally the brain is formed in two halves, joined by a bridge of nerve tissue. The two halves are slightly different in size and shape, and very different in function, although they work together and communicate with each other across the bridge. It is worth knowing about their differences as they can cause missed communications in adult relationships. Where one partner is right brain dominant and the other is left brain dominant, it can feel as if they are speaking different language, and in a sense they are, right speak and left speak.

The right half of the brain is working at birth and grows rapidly connec tion with the care givers and the world around it, most importantly with eye contact and physical touch from the mother, or whoever the primary carer may be. Infants learn very quickly how to get their needs met, crying when hungry, lonely or uncomfortable, resting, digesting and playing when those needs are met. When infant needs are not met, they express rage and fear, if they are reassured and soothed then they calm down, if they are not soothed they give up and withdraw. This is normal behaviour.

The left brain develops more slowly than the right, as it learns how the world works, discovers language, world mapping, game playing, cataloging, organising a perception of the world. Play is an important part of developing the life skills that the left brain enjoys, reasons, consequences, factual knowledge. It learns control, reward for effort, it likes predictable outcomes, and linear explanations for things. The right brain is empathic, sensitive to the emotions of people around, uses mind mapping in relation to others, may have flights of fancy and imaginings, is artistic and creative, emotionally driven, dreams up stories and fantasies, likes surrealist and impressionist art as opposed to perhaps architectural drawings.

At different stages of childhood one or other hemisphere is in a phase of growth which can be interrupted by traumatic events, or enhanced by special attention, so that the individual favours one style over the other in some aspects. This is not to say that having a tendency one way or the other is always as a result of childhood trauma or special attention, it is not. In general humans have access to each side of the brain and its qualities, but some favour the left and others favour the right. They sometimes get into an intimate relationship with their exact opposite, which can be a strength in many ways, but can also lead to misunderstandings and problematic communication.

Imagine this scenario. Leftie says “We go right at the junction,” Rightie says “OK, but there is a wonderful view from the top of that hill if we turn left for a little detour.” They take the detour enjoy the view, Rightie feels the breeze and savours the beautiful space, Leftie critically observes the amount of land given over to farming as opposed to woodland, and soon they are back on the road (because Leftie remembered the route,) both feeling satisfied that the little detour was a good idea and they both appreciated it. An example of harmonious team work that brings satisfaction to their different perspectives.

For contrast, imagine the following scenario. Rightie says “I’m very upset, everything is going wrong today, it’s awful” and Leftie says “We are fine, you just need to stop fussing, work with me and be positive”. Leftie has not heard Rightie’s emotional distress, coming from the right brain, and has responded with reasons and suggestions coming from the left brain, they are talking different languages. This might not go well. Leftie dismissed Rightie’s feelings, maybe caused humiliation by implying that “fussing” is wrong, and asked for the opposite of what is being expressed, “be positive” is not an option when someone is feeling “awful”!

A better outcome requires recognition of the feelings and experience of each person, as both positions are only that, just different positions, one “upset”, the other “fine” and each position will have good reasons. So cannot be described as “wrong”, each is right from their own perspective. Instead of having an argument about WHO IS RIGHT, these two need to try to fully understand why the other one feels as they do. We argue because we do not feel heard, and the more we feel that, the louder our attempts to be heard become, or we give up and withdraw. Neither helps the emotional connection we all crave from our intimate relationships, or soothes the dissatisfaction in the relationship.

Once we really listen and “get” where the other person is coming from, we may not agree, but at least we understand and then we can deal with the difference. Sometimes we inhabit different planets, and if we can visit the other planet, walk around it a bit, it doesn’t feel so alien and we can ensure that differences don’t give rise to ruptures in the connection in our intimate relationships. And it is this connection that we need to thrive, just as when we were infants we needed connection with our care givers to grow and thrive.

Learn about your Nervous System for Better Health

Have you ever noticed that things like singing, dancing, slow breathing, watching the sea, listening to rain can make you feel calmer? Or maybe you know that you like doing such things and have never really thought about why? There are very good reasons behind this, and here’s an explanation to help you understand. Once you get this, some of your reactions which may have puzzled you will make sense and you will be able to manage them better.

Any of your feelings of agitation, anxiety or lowness, as well as your feelings of peacefulness, warmth and relaxation, are under the control of your Autonomic Nervous System, (ANS) which automatically reacts to things both outside and inside your body, as well as your thoughts, without you being consciously aware of it or in control of it.

The ANS has 3 main branches, Sympathetic, Parasympathetic Dorsal Branch and Parasympathetic Ventral Branch. These 3 work together, in consultation with your thoughts, events happening around you, and how well you are in your general health. The Dorsal Branch and the Sympathetic part of the system are designed to respond to threat, anything they perceive as unsafe, and they produce the fight/flight/freeze reactions you may be familiar with. The Ventral Branch is designed to keep everything working optimally for your health and well being, and, most important of all, to enable you to relate meaningfully to others. In a relaxed situation they are all in balance, ticking along nicely together, and your ability to relate to others is open, comfortable and comforting. You feel OK.

When you are stressed, scared, upset, the Dorsal and Sympathetic elements become more activated and you might feel tingly, tense, nauseous, or sluggish and exhausted. The Dorsal Branch tends to make you withdraw and shut down, the Sympathetic Branch agitates you and motivates you into action, and in both states you are not able to relate to others in a meaningful way. Your ANS is using all it’s efforts to let you know something is wrong, so you can take whatever steps are needed to get to a safe place again. Not all of the ways it alerts you to a threat are actually healthy or helpful. You can behave in out of control or anti-social ways, withdraw and become isolated and depressed, have a cigarette or a few drinks more than usual, feel “out of sorts”.

Listening to music, or sounds of rain or flowing water such as the waves on the seashore, taking a walk in natural surroundings, exercising or dancing, all take the energy away from the Dorsal and Sympathetic reactions and activate the Ventral Branch. This calms and soothes the Sympathetic and Dorsal Branches, and brings you back into balance so the 3 branches of your ANS can return to working together harmoniously. Your brain will be able to think sensibly about what triggered your upset feelings and sort things out calmly. The Ventral Branch will work to help you back into relating well and naturally to others around you, and that is the best recipe for health and well being.

5 reasons couples find it hard to talk about money

Many people find it hard to talk about money  ………..and for a number of reasons. Here are just 5

It’s not a romantic topic    At the start of a relationship money talk is often avoided because it is not a romantic topic, it spoils the emotional atmosphere. In the early stages of a relationship we want to bring only the best parts of ourselves to it, and talking about money is not seen in a good light.

It’s mercenary to ask about it    It can be misinterpreted as wanting to find out how much a person is worth before deciding if they are wealthy enough to be with, or that one person is looking for a free ride and will move on soon, or one person is being mercenary, judgements such as those are made if you show an interest in how much somebody has.

It’s risky! Having different attitudes may cause conflict   Also, from the families in which they were raised, people have different ideas about how money should be used, so in the interest of avoiding difficult conversations or even argument and potential conflict they avoid talking about money altogether.

It becomes a taboo topic  If something is a bit difficult, it’s often best not to talk about it, but when something can’t be talked about it becomes a taboo. The situation can arise where one partner has got into financial difficulties with their own or the family funds and can’t say so. (See Shame Blame and Hurt below.)

We are not confident about it  In western culture we are not good at training children to think about the use and abuse of money. We teach them to add up coins and to give the correct change, some learn to make a balance sheet, keep accounts, but we don’t educate them in the meanings of money and wealth, or provide them with good structures for managing money. This leaves a lack of confidence with the topic, we like to avoid areas where we lack confidence. Another taboo develops, something that has to be kept silent

5 reasons why we need to talk about it anyway

Avoiding it makes it worse  It becomes something we can’t talk about when we need to.

Opening the Taboo    At the start of a relationship we do not usually talk about money for reasons already mentioned, so it becomes a hidden taboo topic without a language in which we can express it. Who pays for dinner is not as far as it goes,  who pays for dinner is often a signal for how paying for things might go in the future, or possible resentments. We really need to talk, the same as we need to talk to each other about sex, dreams and aspirations, future hopes,

Power imbalance    If you find out later that one person is wealthier than you thought, or less wealthy there may be difficult and strong feelings of being cheated, betrayed even. This is because of the power meanings we ascribe to money. Talking about money taps into deeper issues of the power relationship, so getting it to be a familiar topic, easy to talk about is really quite important, as is learning each other’s family traditions and beliefs over the place and importance of money.

Choices and decisions    Money governs where and how we can live, what we can eat, our education, career choices.  Many of the decisions and choices we make are  decided by the state of our finances, what we can afford. Money is the source of much of our power in the Western world, and in human relationships the balance of power is affected by financial matters, who earns what or who owns how much, along with the other things, gender, physical size, loudness of voice and so on

Shame blame and hurt    Talking about money can be a source of shame, blame and hurt, where money has been used destructively or irresponsibly. I am thinking here of the gambler who loses everything, the business venture that fails leading to bankruptcy, money that has been acquired dishonestly or through criminal activity. Whole families can carry the shame of such tragedies for more than one generation.  And inheritance can raise all sorts of difficulties.

4 things people can do to make it easier

Practice talking and get used to it overcomes the taboo     It is very difficult to talk when there is shame, blame and hurt, but being open and talking about it is the only way to get past it. Keep talking about it to get it out in the open and familiar. Specially important when funds are limited.

Lighten up     A lot of people have very little to spare and have to manage many commitments and go without in some areas. If they can use humor to help them through  hardship it makes a huge difference. Many others will be in the same boat.

Have clear guidelines for distribution of funds    It really helps if people have clarified how their money is used. Each partner has their own private money, an agreed proportion of each part


ner’s earnings goes into the household accounts, savings accounts, holiday spending, big expenditure is budgeted for together.

Plan carefully and be practical     When harder times come, plans for savings, maybe reducing share of the household commitment, whatever is needed to keep a balance of cash in balance with earnings. Talk about how the shift in financial balance shifts the power balance in the relationship, make it all open and explicit and keep talking.

 

Saying the unsayable……I want to leave you!

As a couple therapist, I mostly meet people who know their relationship is not working for them in the way they want.  They believe it could be much better, they just don’t know how to do it.

Often anger and disappointment have got in the way of showing kindness and love. My job is to help them back into the relationship that fulfils and satisfies them. With folk like these, if they can take the step of coming to therapy, they can create the relationship they want to live in.

 

However I sometimes meet people who have come to the realisation that they want to leave their relationship, but cannot bear to do so., are afraid to do so, or think doing so might be a huge mistake.  When a relationship ends it can be very complicated, separating is not what was intended when we got together, there may be property, children, friends all sorts of things involved by the time we realise it is not working for us.

 

Sometimes the seeds of the ending were there in the beginning, if people felt bullied into the relationship, or got into it in order to have children, not because they really loved the person. Sometimes they were in love with the idea of a relationship, not the reality, or they needed security and money, but not the person that goes with it. A relationship is sometimes harder than expected, and if the love is not there in the beginning, making a success of it lacks a vital ingredient. In arranged marriages the situation is entirely different so that is not what I am writing about here.

 

About thirty years ago,  I met a couple who had been married for a long time and were tense and irritable together, they were arguing, not having sex, did not seem to like each other at all. Originally the wife had rather chased the husband into marriage when he was not quite over his previous girlfriend. They came to therapy to see if fixing the sex would help. Suddenly out of the blue they realised that it was not about sex, they truly did not want to be together. The husband blurted it out first, to his astonishment, then the wife realised that she agreed, and suddenly they relaxed. They had both been hiding from the truth, afraid of what it would mean.

 

Over the next few sessions we had helped them  to separate amicably, which they did, and I heard from each of them about a year later that each had met somebody else and was happier than they had ever been.

 

When faced with something we are afraid of, we find all sorts of reasons not to do it, a very human reaction, but not facing things can make us anxious, depressed, preoccupied , irritable, struggling with daily life. One of the reasons people stay is because of the fear of being alone, and the very act of staying prevents them from ever meeting a person they could love and be happy with.

“we have no time for us!”

Any relationship requires attention and will suffer if it does not get it! As humans are mostly programmed to live in intimate relationship with other humans,  we naturally seek out and long for someone who feels like the right person. We spend effort and money finding the person, and impressing upon them how good a relationship we could have. We may even spend thousands of pounds marrying, throwing a big party, inviting everyone in our family and all our friends to celebrate with us. We may make public statements about how important this relationship is to us, and make promises to each other. So why do we find we have no time for it once we have established it and celebrated it so lovingly?

There are several answers to this question, and I am going to just mention 4. One answer is in our brain chemistry, another is in the family culture or tradition we were raised in, another lies in the expectations we had of an intimate relationship, and a fourth answer is in the way life changes our priorities if we don’t watch out.

  1. Once the newness and excitement of a relationship wears off, the chemicals that brought us together change. At first, the adrenaline and dopamine surges make us excited and pleased, they act as anti-depressants, and other chemicals,  oxytocin and vasopressin, draw us into bonding and nurturing behaviour. After a while, the brain settles into a more steady chemical flow, and we need to take steps to maintain freshness and interest. We can do this by bringing each other surprises, sharing enjoyable activities, making love, playing together. Without these stimuli, that steady flow of brain chemicals can make the relationship feel routine and boring, so we are not very interested in giving it time, and without time and attention it withers a bit.

2. Those of us raised in a family will have learned about how an intimate relationship goes from the people who raised us. This learning is unique in each family, and we are unlikely to get into an intimate relationship with someone with exactly the same ideas. These differences can lead us into conflicts, as “our” way feels like the right one, and to complicate things we usually choose someone who manages conflicts differently from us. The person who like to talk it out often ends up with a person who likes to hide it. This can lead to distancing and discomfort, and over time we may start to avoid being with each other because it is uncomfortable and conflictual, and makes us angry.

3. Some of us enter an intimate relationship with a clear idea of how it should be, and inevitably the other person from time to time is going to disappoint us and not live up to our hopes. We then blame them for their failings and start to doubt the relationship. This is frightening, so we avoid being together to avoid having to face this fear. It is hard to realise that the disappointment is about our unrealistic expectations of the other, not about their failings.

4. The final answer I want to flag up today is that the activities of life take over our space and time. Activities such as having babies, going to the gym regularly, engaging in hobbies, watching sport, increased working hours, family commitments, can all seem to require our attention over the requirement of our intimate relationship. These are the subtle things that eat away at the time we used to have for relationship in its earlier days, and eventually we are left with “no time for us”.

Making time for each other is a fundamental underpinning to a nurturing, and fulfilling intimate relationship. There are other underpinnings I will come to in future posts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Book Review: CBT for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour by Thaddeus Birchard

This is book offers much more than its title would suggest. Yes it offers a CBT perspective but in addition it explains the background to compulsive sexual behaviours, their origins in childhood, the way they affect the brain chemistry that makes it hard to overcome them, the impact they may have on daily life, work, and intimate relationships. It also provides a full overview of the range of approaches available to help those who make the decision to stop their activities, as well as covering the approach developed and used by the author over a number of years in practice.

 

The author has drawn on his own lived experience, which he generously shares with the reader, to develope his own treatment package. This has been honed over the years of working with men in groups for a limited period of time. In the book he gives the reader the benefit of all his treatment tools. He uses some of these to help the men understand how their behaviours built up,what are the basic ingredients of understanding and overcoming compulsive behaviours. He then provides them with a comprehensive path to follow by which to overcome their compulsions and return to full and healthy living.

 

The full treatment programme is included in the book, the information he imparts and the strategies he employs can be seen by anyone who wants access to them. He includes reference to other approaches, recommended reading, and where to get further help.

 

His is a fluent, relaxed style, easy to read, yet well referenced drawing on the most recent developments in research and literature. The chapters follow a logical sequence, although one could dip in and out as well as the interest takes one. I enjoyed reading it and thoroughly recommend it to any therapist as a useful resource whether working with sexually compulsive behaviours or not. We often overlook such matters until we have the informed knowledge that alerts us to their existence.

 

Book Review “The Chimp Paradox”

Explaining the way the brain works……

I have just become acquainted with “The Chimp Paradox”, by Prof Steve Peters, having heard good things about it from two different sources. It is a very useful book. It provides an accessible way of understanding how the brain works and why it does what it does This is so that where our behaviours, feelings and decisions are not working in our favour, we can examine them calmly, make sense of them and change them.

 

The author introduces us to 3 parts of our brain, which he calls the Chimp, the Human and the Computer, and explains what they do so it’s easy to recognise how they are operating in us. He adds an autopilot, Gremlins and Goblins, and guides us through ways of recognising and dealing with these so we get the best relationship with ourselves and with others. His metaphors and analogies are based on the facts of neuroscience, but he uses simple everyday language so we can all benefit from the new discoveries about the brain.

 

In personal relationships this is vital information, because it is there that we are most reactive and most likely to do something hurtful or unhelpful. We are invited to look carefully at ourselves and notice the ways we sometimes behave which we later are very sorry about, and which may have hurt people closest to us. We are helped to learn what the situations are that trigger these responses, and to learn how to respond differently. Just this one step can make a huge improvement to a relationship where there is a lot of conflict.

 

I have now recommended it to two people, who said they already had it but had not read it! I suggested they made a start, and I look forward to learning what they each thought. If you already have a copy and have not read it, then take a closer look at it. If you haven’t got it yet, I suggest you buy it! It’s an enjoyable read as well as helpful for anyone in a relationship.

 

Sex after 70: the mechanics

In healthy adults, the effects of ageing bring about some changes in the normal sexual responses. For example, there is a reduction in the sense of urgency for both sexual contact and for orgasm, so people are able to take longer over their sexual times, and choose them carefully.

Physically, in men the erections are likely to be less hard, and may fluctuate, so that the erection disappears, but can be recovered with time and direct stimulation. Ejaculation is reduced, and seeps rather than spurts.

In women little may change apart from an overall reduction in desire and possible reduction in lubrication. This is easily helped by a number of specifically designed lubricants available from high street stores. Orgasms in women tend to remain OK.

The reduced urgency for orgasm in both men and women allows partners to take time to appreciate the pleasures of arousal for longer periods. Taking time without the drive for orgasm allows appreciation of the physical sensations of arousal. This is important, because the bonding effects of the physical intimacy, whilst emphasised in orgasm, are flowing nicely during arousal, giving feelings of closeness, intimacy and relaxation, which I often call “Rosy Glow”

Many people in this age group realise they have the opportunity and the confidence to experiment with new sexual practises. “Fifty Shades of Grey”, depicting an abusive and rather odd heterosexual relationship, has introduced people to the possibilities of varying their practice, and given them some ideas to try out. If you feel like experimenting, now is the time.

Men and women in later life may prefer no sex at all. They may have physical disability or illness making it difficult, sex may never have been very satisfying and they are happy to give it up, why go on trying to do something that doesn’t work.? They prefer to stop it, and are happy that way.